So Proud to be Humble
Hi, friends. Today I am elated, and I want to share my good fortune with you all. You see, I had an epiphany. A revelation. A mystical experience. God spoke to me, saying I am the center of the universe. That’s right. Me. Actually, each and every one of us is the center of the universe, but that part doesn’t matter. The important part is that I am the center of the universe.
And the reason is this: I recycle all my garbage, I wear only humane ecofriendly clothing, I don’t eat meat or vegetables, I vote for the correct candidates, and I have driven thousands of miles in my smoke-spewing jalopy to attend all the climate change rallies. I don my windmill hat and solar paneled jacket to charge my cell phone while on the go, spreading the word about saving the world. I tell everyone that God is an illusion — he spoke those very words to me — and I instruct the common people on the ways of righteousness, which is all about social justice, climate justice, animal justice, musical justice, soil management justice, religious justice, financial justice, email justice, penguin justice, justice justice — it’s all about justice. No justice, no peace. No peace, no end to climate change. No end to climate change, no justice. For penguins. And everyone else.
It all came to me in a flash. People are so sanctimonious and belligerent in their beliefs, even though practically everyone knows almost nothing about anything. Expertise is the hot air ejected from the ass end of an air conditioner, a humid swelter expanding inflatable egos across the globe. Scientists think they’re so smart, and religious people think they’re even smarter.
In that moment of clarity I realized we’re all dumb as posts, and only I, at the center of the universe, in the absolute neutral objective middle of everything, have the unique and ideal vantage point with which to teach the world the essence of change. That essence is humility.
Yes, humility is truly something to boast about. And it is not mere coincidence that it takes the form of a paradox: Your voice needs to be heard; therefore you must shut up. You want to work hard against evil; therefore you must lay in bed and watch TV. You long to be diligent in the fight against climate change; therefore you must use as much coal-fueled electricity as possible spreading the word on social media. You hope to find new innovative solutions; therefore you must repeat again and again the same tired slogans.
No doubt I will get pushback. All the greatest prophets have been vilified, run out of town, or killed. Or ignored and forgotten. Probably I’ll just be ignored and forgotten. Zero claps. But I am humble, and this should not matter. It may hurt my feelings, but I’m a big boy and I can take it.
But if there is but a glimmer of recognition in my words, and you too see the desperate need for humility today, then I, the humblest person on Earth, will train you to be a Certified Humility Expert and Guide. For a modest fee, you will earn a CHEG certification — recognized in many countries — and a badge you can proudly display on your lapel and a decal for your car, which can be used to avoid parking tickets. Many police officers, astrophysicists, brain surgeons, attorneys, theologians, atheists, writers, CEOs, and auto mechanics, among others, have enrolled. You can be the very first to graduate and become the second most humble person on the planet.
Just call 1–888 I HUMBLE.
