SCOTUS Poised to Overturn Rights to Legal Tattoos and Body Piercings
Excerpts from the deliberations:
Justice Kavanaugh: I find it difficult to dominate a woman wearing tattoos.
Justice Thomas: And what’s with the ring through the nose?
Justice Sotomayor to a blushing Chief Justice Roberts: You will never see my strategically placed butterfly tattoo.
Justice Alito: There really should be an age limit of 21 and a mental health check for anyone seeking to mutilate themselves.
Justice Kagan: That’s the bare minimum we’ve been arguing over gun rights!
Justice Gorsuch: Well, it’s been many moons since I engaged in coitus, but as I remember it, I’d mount when aroused and succinctly perform my duty then roll over into the deep slumber only a Supreme Court Justice can enjoy.
Justice Thomas: I like it on the bottom.
Justice Kagan: That’s the only way you could manage, fat ass.
Justice Coney Bryant was shrieking inside and tried to bury her shame-based embarrassment among the smiling daffodil doodles she’d been scribbling on her printed notes. She offered no opinion.
Former Justice Souter: I find the tramp stamp to be distracting. …Oh, sorry. I forgot I’m retired. Never mind.
Chief Justice Roberts appeared to be daydreaming and later admitted he couldn’t stop wondering where on her body Justice Sotomayor’s tattoo was located.
Justice Kavanaugh: This one bitch had an awesome dragon tattoo sprawled across her torso. I was so intimidated I just kept guzzling one beer after another.
Justice Thomas: Piercings remind me of slavery for some reason.
Justice Breyer: I once stapled my thumb to the bulletin board. Painful, but it was my choice.
Justice Alito: Staplers are not mentioned in the Constitution.